The Cat’s Pajamas
by david p. anderson
Eight years ago, I considered buying my mother a robotic stuffed cat for Christmas. It was robotic in that it simulated a sleeping cat with snoring and a rising and lowering belly. It didn’t vacuum your house or throw away old newspapers, which is what Mom really needed. Sadly for my mother, the robotic cat present would have been an upgrade to the cheap gifts I had purchased for her in years past. I was in a Christmas-gift-buying rut with her. My pattern had become even year: bathrobes, odd years: boxes of chocolates. Although, in my defense, Mom ranked chocolate higher than gold, but lower than naps. Everyone in my family knew Mom had a chocolate tooth, and we spoiled her at holidays and all her birthdays with chocolate boxes, cellophane-filled bags, and a giant Hershey’s bar that doubled as a carport.Read the rest of this entry »
by david p. anderson
Bob O’Hearn wakes up at 1 a.m. every morning to run five miles. He does this because he loves how it makes his body and soul feel, and because if he ran during the day in the blistering hundred and fifteen-degree Arizona heat, he might burst into flames.
After his run, O’Hearn, a certified personal trainer, rides his bike a half hour to the gym where he works out with weights for forty-five minutes, then rides the half-hour home. Later that morning, at 6:30 a.m., while most of us are still asleep, he will walk to the store to buy groceries. Roundtrip to the store: two miles. O’Hearn first started lifting weights while serving our country in Vietnam.
Did I forget to tell you? Bob O’Hearn is seventy-three.
Through his hard work and dedication to a strict diet, O’Hearn has lost and kept off seventy-five lbs and claims to be in the best shape of his life. While I hope someday to rival Bob’s condition, I am proud to say that my health regimen has allowed me to achieve the same bodyweight since graduating from high school in 1984: 170lbs.Read the rest of this entry »
by david p. anderson
(This event happened in 2019. With all the graduations being changed to virtual ceremonies (including my own) because of covid-19, I was reminded how fortunate we were in the past to share these milestone moments.)
A few weeks ago our family attended our middle daughter Shannon’s college graduation. It was a day we had been anticipating with great fervor, knowing we wouldn’t have to write any more checks for her tuition. This sun-kissed day in middle May just happened to fall on the same date as my niece and nephew’s graduation, which was another blessing, because now our family had an iron-clad excuse for not attending two additional four-hour graduation ceremonies.
For some reason my daughter’s university held the ceremony off campus in an arena in downtown Springfield, Ma. You’d think a prominent university would have its own arena to accommodate grads and their loved ones. But when the school gets finished paying for their 97 deputy assistant chancellors each making over six figures, there’s not enough money left over for an arena or even a tent.Read the rest of this entry »
by David P. Anderson
A high school couple in Senoria, Ga., snapping their prom pictures were recently photo-bombed by a gang of zombie-fied actors working near the set of AMC’s The Walking Dead. The boy captured in the above photo said, “It’s still less creepy than being photo bombed by your parents.”
A Parisian fashion brand has become the “butt” of ridicule for selling a $470 pair of high-cut denim panties. That’s right denim panties. The $470 price tag seems a bit steep for their target demographic: girlfriends of people who might be rednecks.
Maisie Williams, who portrays Arya Stark on the popular HBO show Game of Thrones revealed that her breasts were bound as she aged on GOT. “That was when it really sucked,” said Williams. Which explains why the shows costume designer was on Arya’s kill list.
Friday, an appeals court in Australia ruled that repeated flatulence targeted at another individual wasn’t a form of bullying or assault. Try telling that to the office mate of this guy.
The Rachel Maddow Show, seen nightly on MSNBC, suffered a twenty percent decline in ratings since the release of the Mueller report that revealed no collusion between President Trump and Russia in the 2016 election. Is the dip in ratings a result of her audience tiring of her unwillingness to let go of the collusion conspiracy, or have viewers left her for the compelling episodes of Married at First Sight, season eight.
SEVENTIES CHILD available at:
Barnes & Noble
by David P. Anderson
A spokesperson for Netflix announced that they have signed Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman to a three-season deal to star in a prison series titled DESPERATE INMATES. The two Hollywood stars were among fifty people arrested in the college fraud scheme last week. Both Loughlin and Huffman are out on bail and are awaiting trial. Read the rest of this entry »
Chapter from SEVENTIES CHILD
THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
The birthdays of my youth, kids handed out birthday card invites to kids in their grade that they liked. You can’t get away with that in the politically correct era of today—school administrators are too afraid someone would be offended; an uninvited kid might get their feelings hurt. When my daughter was in first grade they had a rule that you had to invite the entire class of girls to your party or none at all. That struck me as more than slightly fascist. What if there’s a bully in your class whose sole mission in life is to make you miserable? A future insurance salesman maybe? Should you have to invite him/her too? That would make a tense celebration with Mr. /Mrs. Future Axe Murder singing Happy Birthday with their frightened classmates. My family would have gone broke paying for all the presents to my five siblings’ classmates’ parties. Read the rest of this entry »
I know self-service is not a new phenomenon. It started at gas stations fifty years ago, where once upon a time employees used to check your oil, clean your windows, check your tire pressure, and find suitors for your daughters with buck teeth. Is it just me or has the trend of businesses replacing humans exploded over the last few years. Read the rest of this entry »
LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN
By David P. Anderson
This March 23rd is the fifteenth anniversary of my family’s greatest tragedy. It just so happens to also be my youngest daughter’s seventeenth birthday. On that fateful day we lost a beloved member of our family. Kaitlyn’s second birthday will never be forgotten, as will her humorous take on the unfortunate event. Read the rest of this entry »
A LITTLE COURTESY WON’T KILL YOU
by David P. Anderson
Exiting the gym yesterday into the wintry mess I spotted a woman I estimated to be in her early twenties shuffling through the slush towards the door. I opened the door fully, we made brief eye contact and I let her pass, waiting for a response.
Where was my “thank you”? I thought for a second that maybe she didn’t speak English and that’s why she stiffed me. But that’s ridiculous if she was a foreigner she could have offered a Spanish “gracias” or a German “danke”. If she was from the planted Vulcan “itaren” would have sufficed. Her rudeness was rooted in a growing problem in our society: no manners. Read the rest of this entry »
THANKS FACEBOOK : (
By David P. Anderson
I spent a year writing my fictional memoir Seventies Child, and over another fourteen months tearing what was left of my hair out rewriting. As an independent author I knew the importance of social media in marketing a book. We indies are all slaves to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and the new LOOKATMYSELFIE. Before the book launch I tweaked my Facebook fan page, updating the name, the look, the setup, and adding links to my books and my world famous blog. The day I released the book I invited my Facebook friends to LIKE my fan page. I sent out one hundred invites and received roughly fifty Likes. My total of page Likes stood at 115. Good if you’re a fourth grader promoting your Pokémon YouTube videos, but for an author with two kids in college, not so much. I figured if I posted interesting material daily word would spread and I’d get more Likes. Read the rest of this entry »
THE BEST PLACE TO INJURE YOURSELF WITH WEIGHTS
by David P. Anderson
I’ve been lifting weights since 1979, boy are my arms tired.
Health experts agree if you want to keep your appearance trim and youthful, resistance training must be a part of your health regimen. And resisting to working out doesn’t count. Weight training not only speeds up your metabolism helping you keep your weight down, it improves your overall health: lowering blood pressure, improving your cholesterol, and is guaranteed to throw out your back giving you a solid excuse for not helping people move. Read the rest of this entry »
by David P. Anderson
WASHINGTON D.C. (The Missing Truth) – Newly elected Democratic National Convention chairman Thomas Perez announced this morning that they have found their “reality star” to compete with President Donald Trump in 2020. “We are delighted to have Dave “YUUUP!” Hester to light our way for the future of the democratic Party,” Perez said. “We contacted hundreds of reality show celebrities and he was the only one who called us back. Mama June did text us a photo of her foot?” Read the rest of this entry »
I love my daughters and I’d watch them do almost anything for hours, including sleep, which I did until they were old enough to tell me to go away. Every year the dance company they pay to learn from, has a dance recital in the spring. Our kids are only in one dance, partly because that’s all they want to do, but mostly because one class is all we can afford and still continue eating. To have your kid in the show you have to pony up money for the costume, the tickets, and the coffee iv to keep you awake. If you haven’t been to a dance recital before, you’re in for a treat, when you finally get home, eighteen months later. Read the rest of this entry »
Rabbit’s Feet by Trista M. Borgwardt is a compelling supernatural/horror novel, with an erotic love triangle. This book was a real pager turner that kept me up late many nights. It has a juicy twist near the end and the conclusion was satisfying, but left me anticipating a sequel.
The story is told in the first person, which lets truly the reader get into the mind of the main character, Tempie—great name. She’s a high school senior in Hawaii who endures a tragedy and is forced to move to frigid South Dakota to live with her grandmother. Although she knows safer away from Hawaii, she is torn because she desperately misses the love of her life, Eric, and her friends. An evil being unfortunately follows her to South Dakota and her living hell continues. Read the rest of this entry »
Don’t you feel strange interviewing yourself?
No, I do so much by myself. I work at home, go to the movies sometime by myself–don’t tell my wife–I live a very solitary life. Maybe I should get a job at the mall so I can have more of a social life 9-5.
Would you like to work at the mall?
Only if I could get a job in a backroom where I can have some peace and quiet.
In your bio it said you’ve written five screenplays, have we seen any of your scripts on the big screen?
Yes. I wrote a cute little story that made it to Hollywood. Good Will Hunting. Read the rest of this entry »
1. ADULTS IN CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS
2. GUYS WHO WEAR WOOL HATS TO THE GYM (IN THE SUMMER)
3. STICK FIGURE FAMILY WINDOW STICKERS
4. CELL PHONES AT MOVIES Read the rest of this entry »
Burden is the most unique and book I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. The novel is a cross-genre of shocking horror and dystopian satire. AJ Shute’s writing is vivid, graphic, poetic, and at times enjoyably erotic. The hero of the story Artemis Burden, a young man, is the healer in a cult-like village located deep in the woods. He has many strong purposes: protect his family, unlock the mystery behind the origin of the village, bring the evil leaders to their knees. Read the rest of this entry »
I love the internet. I can’t imagine my life without it. It has become such a big part of our lives over the last twenty years. We rely on it for communicating(e-mail), for news, for shopping, for research, and for entertainment. But with the abundance that the web brings, there has been a heavy toll placed on many institutions that we grew up with and used to rely on. Some of these institutions are suffering and are hanging on by a thread and then some have been murdered all together.
1. Record Stores
Thanks to iTunes and internet radio, record stores are either history or
ghost towns. Read the rest of this entry »
So after after close to thirty years of struggling as a writer; never making a red scent, I got a tax statement in the mail reporting that I earned $21.49 in 2013 through my e-book DEAD SPRINT on Amazon. Yeeeeeeeehah!
I’m a professional writer. Officially. I guess. Does $21.49 even count?
Hell yeah. Read the rest of this entry »
Saturday I received my second proof copy of DEAD SPRINT. The first one I got I couldn’t use it for rewriting because I stupidly forgot to put in page numbers. Doh! Other than the lack of page numbers there were other problems with my first paper back proof: The font size on my book description was the roughly the size f Texas. If you saw the back cover you’d swear it was specifically written for Mr. Magoo. The font inside however was the opposite. I need reading glasses to read these days (I’m old) and this print was barely legible with my 1.75s. Read the rest of this entry »
My dad was a hard working man’s-man born right before the great depression. He was a loving father who expected his kids to work for everything they got. It’s hard to compare him to today’s hovering,overindulgent parents without snickering.
TEN PHRASES MY DAD NEVER SAID
- Ah, I’ll just let the sun melt the rest of that snow off of the driveway.
- Hi I’m here to volunteer in the kindergarten.
- I’m twerking on it.
- Four dollars for bottled water… deal.
- I’d like to order the black baby doll with the matching thong.
- I’m thinking about starting a Mr. Mom playgroup.
- Did you say you wanted an Ipad or an Ipad mini?
- I DVR’d Real Housewives of Atlanta and watched Dance Moms.
- Is that gluten free?
- FACEBOOK IT
Dan Akroyd has been sworn in as a deputy sheriff for the Hinds County Sheriffs department in Mississippi.
His first assignment is to investigate what happened to his acting career.
Last month I was hunting critters out of my bathroom window–shooting my Red Ryder BB-gun. I usually never hit anything–although I did once pop the tire of my neighbor’s racing bike with an off the mark shot– but on this day I grazed the rear leg of a squirrel. At first I didn’t know I hit it because it sprinted away and scooted behind a tree. I noticed it later when I almost ran over it with my Sears ride-on mower. The squirrel was lying face down in the middle of my badminton court. I thought it was dead. I got a shovel to remove it because my sister-in-law and her husband were due to come over to play badminton. When I placed the tip of the shovel under its body the squirrel sprang up before inching away. It was alive. Read the rest of this entry »
I hate pictures of myself
My nose is too big
I’m balding… okay i’m bald.
I look older than my father did when i was in high school.
Nice sweater vest old man.
I used to be buff.
Well the sweater added the illusion of muscles.
FIVE OVERRATED THINGS
Not To Sweat Over
1. The Senior prom – This night gets so much hype from movies and television that by the time you’re a senior your expectations are in outer space and you’re positive that it’s going to be the best day of your life.
It’s… a school dance.
They always name a King/Queen of the prom in movies.
A. I don’t know any high school that really does this.
B. Who thought that this would be fun for the prom attendees or the viewers of teen movies? Read the rest of this entry »
Not quite an A, more A-. I loved the music and the stars Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, Christian Bale, and Bradley Cooper delivered outstanding performances. I cared about the characters and wanted them to pull of the scam, but there were only 2-3 scenes where I was at the edge of seat; one scene was with a great cameo by Robert DeNiro that’s worth the admission price. The end has a tangy twist that i didn’t see coming. All in all, great but not FN great.
Met with a reporter from the Winchester Star today. Her office was located next to the battle green in Lexington. The appointment was set for 11:15 and I drove into the parking lot behind the white office building at 11, feeling nervous because I had never done a book interview before(who has?). I needed to pee something fierce. Read the rest of this entry »
Lunch Date at the RMV
The day after Christmas my wife Karen bribed me with the lure of lunch if I’d accompany her to get her license renewed at the RMV in Lowell.
I should have stayed home with the dog.
After snagging the last spot in the RMV garage—the old RMV had free parking —we were greeted warmly with a line that stretched throughout the building, down the street, and around the city of Lowell. Just kidding, it didn’t stretch throughout the building. Of course they only had one person behind the counter checking people in. Why do government agencies always have 900 employees standing around doing nothing, while some dimwit from the temp-pool is left to deal with the masses. Read the rest of this entry »
Recently while my daughter and I were strolling down our street, ankle deep in crispy brown leaves, she told me her favorite holiday was Thanksgiving. I looked at her cockeyed. Really? I asked her why. I love the food, she told me.
The Food? I love the Thanksgiving feast as much as the next guy, I even order the Turkey Dinner at the 99 restaurant in the summer, but Christmas has great food too. In fact growing up we always had turkey and the fixings at Christmas too. We had the same vegetables, rolls, deserts, beverages. I’m sure most families don’t skimp out on the dinner at Christmas, maybe they swap turkey for ham, which is an underrated meat. So with the food being a wash, is it even a contest? Read the rest of this entry »